C’mon, C’mon, Let’s Take A Chance


So, in a pathetic fit of desperation, I recently realized I am the patron saint of dating within my social circle but cannot date anyone I already know. My aforementioned “social circle” consists entirely of people I work with: Bands I manage, kids that write for me, the staff of my PR firm. Sure, I’ve been fine in the past with dipping my proverbial pen in the company ink but in those days, I was only writing about people, not managing them. As alright as I am with, say, boning a dude who’s band I love in a cornfield, I am not okay with getting a little less appropriate with my hands when those hands book the shows of whomever they got a little less appropriate with. And so it was that I entered the world of on-line dating. This has spawned much hilarity and made me come to the realization that I can be alarmingly bitchy to people. This has also spawned a forthcoming meet up. It’s been a while since I had to put my best foot forward for anything – And the last time I did have to put my best foot forward, at my dad’s wedding, that foot ended up without a shoe, covered in spilled Jack, and attached to a crying bridesmaid. So, in an attempt to help me help myself, I’ve made the following list of things NOT to discuss on this “date” thing.

Ex-Boyfriends. “Hey, guess what? I have exes that are not only more famous than you but  also might better musicians!” does not break the ice in actuality the way it should in theory. Additionally, “Have you seen that one commercial? You know the song in it? I totally slept with that dude!” doesn’t work wonders.

Okkervil River. While this would be a great topic of conversation were I anyone other than me, I am me and my word-associative brain will connect such far reaching things as the phrase “for real” or any mention of “Will” to Okkervil River, forcing the evening to devolve from pleasant conversation to hours of gushing about how no man will ever understand me like Will Sheff, which is funny enough until you realize I’m only half joking.

Timber Timbre. See above. In fact…

Let’s Just Try To NOT Talk Too Much About Murder Ballads. Ends up not everyone thinks killing is as interesting of a discussion topic as I do. In fact, most people find it unsettling.

Also, Don’t Mention Your Extensive Collection of Crime Scene Photos. Once more, see above.

It Might Be A Good Idea To Neglect Mentioning Your Pet, “Bathroom Spider”. Apparently, living alone and being single is lonelier than I originally anticipated. The spider that lives in my bathroom? That’s my pet. His name is Bathroom Spider. I talk to him sometimes. That’s normal, right?

Aforementioned “Corn Field Boning”. Save that tale for the second date, at least.

The Fact That You Know Every Word To Justin Timberlake’s Solo Debut, Justified. Show me a girl that wouldn’t let J. Tims “rock her body” and I’ll show you a militant lesbian.

Shaving. Menstruating. Other “Gross” Topics. Fact: When I accepted the offer of “going out for a drink or something” my first thought was “Godammit… Does this mean I have to shave?”

Social Circle Comprised Mainly Of Ex-Boyfriends and People I’ve Slept With. Hey, I did say I date mostly within my social circle, didn’t I?

Knowing me, I’ll discuss most – If not all – of the topics above. But at least I’m trying!


2 Responses to “C’mon, C’mon, Let’s Take A Chance”

  1. Abbytron Says:

    It’s funny that you named your spider “Bathroom Spider” because when I first moved into my condo, I named all the neighbor cats after where I first saw them. There’s Roof Kitty, Porch Kitty and Garden Kitty. Also, any guy who doesn’t want to hear about murder ballads is probably not a guy you should be dating anyway. DO talk about them, and use that as a gauge for how worthy he is.

    • I like everything about this comment. Honestly, I know for a fact that Okkervil River, Timber Timbre, murder ballads, and bathroom spider will all be discussed. I mean, if we take away the above listed topics, I’ve really got nothing to talk about.

      I love that you Bathroom-Spider-ed a bunch of kitties! That makes my night and is a prime example of why we’re palsies for life. Sadly, we had a cello recital at my house the other day and there were like 60 people here and the upstairs bathroom flooded. It’s located right above my downstairs bathroom… I don’t want to go into details but Bathroom Spider didn’t survive. 😥

      Also, if it goes badly tomorrow, expect many texts about how awful and awkward I am.

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