There’s A Swarm Of Bees In The Clover, A String Of Barbed Wire That The Tree Grew Over.

I tell myself it’s just a bad day and that it’ll pass but it seems that the past three weeks have been nothing but bad days. At first it was easy to think that it’d pass soon enough but it hasn’t and I find myself longing for the days when I used to feel empty and lackadaisical because at least then I wasn’t the girl who spent her nights at home alone crying.  I’m still optimistic, and I know it’ll get better but it’s strange. I quit smoking. I stop surviving on coffee. I stop drinking in excess and the valium that I used to have to take just to interact with other people hasn’t been swallowed in a while now. I conquer my crippling seasonal depression. My hair is it’s natural color and I stop wearing the black eyeliner I’ve worn every day since I was twelve. Even my staple floral dresses fall by the wayside and I tell myself I’m becoming better. But what I am is different. In theory, it’s for the best, but the sad truth of it is that I feel like a stranger.

I like myself for the first time in longer than I can remember. I’m happy and I have great friends and a great job and my burgeoning career is one I’ve dreamt of. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t ache. And it’s the same sad stuff that makes me cry, the same sad story about the girl who hushed the voice in her head telling herself that her dad’s wedding would go horribly, that she would ruin the whole thing, just like Anne Hathaway in Rachel Getting Married. She told herself that it would go beautifully and that she would look wonderful and she wouldn’t fall in her heels and she wouldn’t get too drunk and she wouldn’t cry and her best friend would be her wedding date and it’d be perfect. It’d all be perfect.

But it wasn’t.

And every day there’s a new reminder of just how much of a disaster it was.

As cinematic of a quality as it has – The girl sobbing off her perfectly applied make up  in a bridal dressing room, wearing a ridiculously fancy dress – it’s all much less appealing when it’s your life. And the thing is that this throws everything through a loop – Friendships, career, everything. Patience isn’t my strong suit so the fact that I still ache deeply after three weeks is almost as frustrating as it is heart wrenching. The fact of the matter that every day since then, I’ve considered quitting my career and severing the aforementioned friendship but it’s something I can’t do. Even though it’d probably be easier if I could.

Things were going so well before and they still are, it’s just all muddled now and I want things to be simple again. Even though I think they were only simple in hindsight and never in reality.

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